MY REJECTED (PER LEGAL) SUPER BOWL AD IDEAS I DEFINITELY WAS NEVER ASKED TO PITCH
Well, Bad Bunny’s halftime show has been officially declared “the end of civilization” by men who still think Bluetooth headsets are an option and all post-game LinkedIn carousels have extracted “Five Actionable Brand Lessons” from the concept of a quarterback throwing a football at a tortilla chip. Which means … it’s officially for my annual Super Bowl white-space drop:
A master list of ad ideas I absolutely did not pitch to any actual brand or client, but did aggressively pitch INTO THE CULTURE—
Into a Teams chat that was technically about Q1 timelines; into a 1:13am Notes App draft titled “FINAL_FINAL_THIS_IS_THE_ONE.”; into a group text that started with “Where are we watching?” and ended with me outlining a six-spot cinematic universe for mayo.
I don’t buy Super Bowl spots. I don’t sit in a “war room (casual)” with a catered taco bar and a CCO whispering “Is this enough dog though?” to a white board. I do not have a line item called “National Cultural Moment.”
I ideate at scale. I see ownable territory where others see nachos. I amuse myself at large.
So while the big agencies were polishing up their million-dollar montages and rehearsing phrases like “earned media velocity,” I was workshopping concepts that, for reasons that remain unknown to me, were rejected by reality itself.
So now that the broadcast is done optimizing, I’m releasing the concepts that were strategically ahead of the market and all y’all’s brains.
Budweiser – “It’s Mostly Hydration”
Core Insight
Lean into irrelevance with confidence
Creative Execution
A 60-second spot featuring the iconic Clydesdales trotting through a suburb at a reasonable 8:16pm, gently acknowledging that most people are drinking seltzer. A horse makes eye contact with a LaCroix over VO: “We’re here if you want us but no pressure.” Logo fades in at 50% opacity.
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Too emotionally honest
Undermines brand’s beer-as-religious icon positioning
“Horse self-awareness creates tonal instability”
Meta – “We’re Listening”
Core Insight
If surveillance feels invasive, reposition as intimacy
Creative Execution
A live AI-generated ad customized in real time based on viewer browsing history. For example, a family gathers to watch the game and the TV greets them individually. “Mark,” it says to the dad. “We noticed you searching ‘Is burnout permanent’. Do you want to look at these adjustable standing desks?” The grandmother receives a tailored ad for a “grief reframe”. A toddler gets a dinosaur documentary queued automatically. VO whispers, “Yeah. We know.”
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Creates unintended existential tone
“Omniscience still reads as threat”
Apple – “It’s Just Watching”
Core Insight
Wellness is measurable / judgment is scalable
Creative Execution
A montage of Apple Watches subtly judging users’ micro-choices: heart rate spikes during texting, passive-aggressive step goals, silent reminders you’re behind. Closing VO: “You’re doing fine. I guess.”
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Brand optimism compromised
Legal uncomfortable with the phrase “I guess”
Netflix – “Skip Intro (Life Edition)”
Core Insight
Nobody wants buildup, they want payoff
Creative Execution
Ad opens on a birth scene interrupted by an enormous, red, floating “SKIP INTRO” button. Smash cut to midlife crisis. Rapid montage of nostalgia IP, prestige drama lighting, algorithmically determined yearning. VO: “We know what you’re really here for.”
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Narrative density exceeds subscription clarity
Viewers described “accelerated aging”
Nike – “Just Think It”
Core Insight
Most consumers now practice athletics performatively
Creative Execution
A cinematic training montage composed entirely of people drafting motivational captions. Slow-motion typing. Inspirational playlists queued. No one stands up. The final shot reveals no one has moved. Tagline appears over a glowing cursor.
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Insufficient sweat visibility
Under-indexes on movement-as-proof
Pepsi – “Cameo Density”
Core Insight
If one celebrity increases shareability, 37 can create inevitability
The Spot:
Zendaya nods to deepfake Elvis. A digitally reconstructed 1994 sitcom ensemble clinks cans with a Twitch streamer. The soundtrack is three anthems playing simultaneously. A 3D rendered product image of a Pepsi can rotates heroically in the bottom-left corner.
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Dilutes brand ownership
“Face fatigue” emerged as potential metric
Amazon – “Delivered Before You Want It”
Core Insight
Anticipatory shipping is the next market frontier
Creative Execution
Packages arrive before customers realize they need them. A woman opens a box labeled “Future Regret (Mild).” A man receives a new hobby kit moments before announcing boredom. Alexa whispers, “Yep. We also know.”
Why It Didn’t Happen:
Autonomy concerns
“Pre-consent fulfillment” presumed to test poorly across all quadrants
Disney – “Multiverse of Mildly Necessary Characters”
Core Insight
All IP is connected, even the ones you don’t give a sh*t about
Creative Execution
Every Disney-owned character converges in a thirty-second multiverse collision to promote a new limited-edition popcorn bucket. The bucket is not visible until the final two seconds.
Why It Didn’t Happen
Product mention lost in spectacle
Children don’t understand what “canon” is
OpenAI – “Write Yourself”
Core Insight
People want assistance becoming coherent
Creative Execution
Viewers scan a QR code. AI writes a personalized Super Bowl ending tailored to their emotional profile. One version ends in total reconciliation. Another in productive solitude. A third in brand-sponsored mindfulness.
Why It Didn’t Happen
Creates unintended metaphysical tone
Unclear emotional liability thresholds
Brand-Led Reality Adjacent Opportunities
Just some light, exploratory work and early-stage plays in markets that don’t exist but absolutely will once someone builds a landing page. “Product” is 2025. This is more “ownable condition.”
The Algorithm™ — “We’ve Already Decided”
Core Insight:
Choice is decorative
The Spot:
A calm voice explains that your next purchase, preference, or opinion have all already been optimized. The screen subtly shifts color in response to predictive modeling. No logo. No CTA.
Memory™ — “Remember Better”
Core Insight:
Nostalgia is a subscription tier waiting to happen
The Spot:
A perfect recreation of your favorite childhood commercial—same lighting, same jingle—except the product is “Premium Recall+.” The past streams in 4K with optional commentary.
Closure™ — “End It Right”
Core Insight:
Resolution outperforms meaning
The Spot:
Canceled series. Cliffhangers. Unreturned texts. A minimalist logo fades in: Closure™. A single button reads Finalize.
Now, none of this matters because all this year’s spots have been ranked, tiered, hot-taken, LinkedIn’d. The phrase “The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of marketing” has been typed thousands of times with 0% irony. Someone has already declared this year a “return to storytelling” and someone else has declared it “a wake-up call for brands.” At least three dudes in quarter-zips have recorded car videos explaining why comedy is back in advertising. Or dead. Or both.
Meanwhile, these ideas of mine live where all category-defining ideas live: somewhere between a second beer and the phrase, “Okay but imagine this going national.” I don’t need a war room (innocent). I just need a bar with decent lighting and one person willing to hear me say, “What if we position Closure™ as a lifestyle layer?” I will rotate my phone. I will zoom in on the slide. I will say, “This is a white-space play. Blue ocean. Emotional vertical.”
They will nod. They will sip. They will say, “That’s wild.” And I will leave believing—fully, irrationally, growth-mindset-edly—next year we could really move the needle.
It just didn’t clear the room.
#WhiteSpaceDrop #EarnedMediaVelocity #HorseSelfAwareness #CelebrityDensityThreshold #FaceFatigueIndex #PreConsentFulfillment #OwnableCondition #EmotionalVertical #BlueOceanDelusion #NarrativeDensityWarning #ProbablyFine #WeKnowMark