I Am Declaring Myself Optimized This New Year & You Cannot Stop Me

Every January I briefly consider becoming an entirely different person and then remember I have already invested so heavily in this one.

The problem isn’t motivation, the problem is precision. Self-improvement advice is always vague, transferable, morally upright. Well, that doesn’t really work for me. What works for me is specificity, premature certainty, and the confidence to declare progress based on just vibes. #vibes

What follows are the exact resolutions I have made and am making in a 50-step program to optimize myself into the best possible version of myself. Not in theory. Not in public. But in practice.

I am not accepting any feedback at this time.

Declared Improvements (Effective Immediately)

1. I resolve to accept that my dependency on media is not about escapism but needing a second screen to confirm that my thoughts are happening in the correct order.

2. I resolve to emotionally process things at the same pace I scroll past restaurant reviews written by people who are wrong and took it personally.

3. I resolve to trust the checkout line that moves faster, even if it feels morally wrong and socially suspect.

4. I resolve to read the description. (skipped)

5. I resolve to treat every major life decision with the same seriousness I apply to choosing a streaming thumbnail that y’know, just feels right.

6. I resolve to emotionally invest in whatever item is currently labeled Best Seller, because, hey, at least someone else has already committed.

7. I resolve to replace my internal monologue with the cadence of an automated customer service operator—pleasant, apologetic, incapable of resolving the issue.

8. I resolve to declare this one complete because my brain already moved on halfway through number seven. (gettin’ bored)

9. I resolve to treat emails marked No Response Needed as a challenge.

10. I resolve to ‘unplug it and plug it back in’.

11. I resolve to accept that we experienced the same thing differently, even though you were on your phone the entire time and I was not, Kevin.

12. I resolve to believe any product that says Family Size understands my situation.

13. I resolve to think this through. (nah)

14. I resolve to ‘swipe again, but slower this time’ every time.

15. I resolve to treat group texts, calendar alerts, and “remember this from five years ago?” notifications as a single shared consciousness.

16. I resolve to trust a star rating over my instincts.

17. I resolve to discontinue use if damaged. (eh, it’s not so bad)

18. I resolve to measure personal growth by how quickly I skip intro sequences for shows I once swore were iconic.

19. I resolve to add it to cart ‘just in case’.

20. I resolve to believe that any sign using the words NEW, IMPROVED, or NOW STREAMING is speaking directly to me and has obviously done the research.

21. I resolve to close the tab. (whoop, just opened another)

22. I resolve to press and hold.

23. I resolve to emotionally attach to whatever receipt is warmest in my hand.

24. I resolve to feel accomplished after refreshing a page and seeing it update just a little.

25. I resolve to choose the ‘middle’ option.

26. I resolve to stop revisiting the conversation where I said I liked it and you said “I don’t know, man,” and then texted me two days later like, “Okay actually episode four kind of slapped.” (forgiven)

27. I resolve to retain the packaging for future reference.

28. I resolve to declare this finished because the font looks final. (looks done to me!)

29. I resolve to experience joy exclusively at the scale of free shipping, accurate delivery windows, and a movie trailer that doesn’t oversell itself.

30. I resolve to make decisions based on whichever button is bigger and closest to my thumb.

31. I resolve to ‘use only as directed’.

32. I resolve to let this go despite the fact that you keep saying “it’s not that deep” like that’s a neutral observation and not a conclusion you reached immediately.

33. I resolve to check out because I’m already here. (successfully checked out)

34. I resolve to treat any notification as actionable I’m until proven otherwise.

35. I resolve to assume I am always being remembered slightly wrong and will in the future try to benefit from that.

36. I resolve to compare prices. (that one seems fair)

37. I resolve to trust the chair that looks the most like ‘a chair’, even if it has no reviews.

38. I resolve to contact customer support if ‘unsure of operation’.

39. I resolve to approach every problem with the same confidence I bring to pressing “Skip Ad” at exactly the wrong second.

40. I resolve to accept that this noise is normal. (noise still ongoing)

41. I resolve to assume Limited Time is to be taken personally.

42. I resolve to stop pretending I read terms and conditions when I clearly just vibe-checked scrollbar length.

43. I resolve to interpret any minor inconvenience as proof that I am being tested specifically by the universe.

44. I resolve to trust my first instinct, my second instinct, then whichever instinct sounds most confident when repeated out loud.

45. I resolve to believe ‘Only 3 Left’ is fact until the adrenaline subsides.

46. I resolve to declare this complete because it has the correct number of items and looks finished at a glance. (are we done yet?)

47. I resolve to stop engaging with opinions delivered at full confidence and zero comprehension.

48. I resolve to feel legitimate relief when the shipping is, indeed, free.

49. I resolve to assume that if I was able to make a list this long, something must have worked.

50. I resolve to declare this settled even though the only thing that changed was my willingness to keep talking.

Final Declaration

At this point, improvement has already occurred. Optimization is close at hand. I can tell because I am calmer, louder, and more certain than I was before I posted this. That is the what progress feels like when it must not be questioned.

I am optimized.

I have receipts.

And if necessary, I can declare this again.

#ContentNecromancy101 #ProceedingsOfTheAlgorithm #StreamingAutopsyUnit #JournalOfCulturalForensics #AttentionEconomyAfterDark #PostCablePathology #MillennialDecayStudies #OverthinkOrDieTrying