THE THANKSGIVING SIDES FANTASY DRAFT SCOUTING REPORT

PRE-DRAFT PRESSER: NOTES FROM THE COMMISSIONER

Welcome, contenders and casseroles, to the most emotionally charged annual sporting event in America: The Thanksgiving Side Dish Draft. The only draft where character concerns include gets watery under pressure, breakout potential is defined by golden-brown crust, and injury history refers to cracking the Pyrex lid in transit.

Tonight, we separate generational talents from the system sides; the high-ceiling casseroles from the low-motor, no-identity salads. We evaluate toughness. We evaluate starch. We evaluate whether someone’s aunt is about to ruin everything.

We’ll see some fan favorites. We’ll see some experimental disappointments (“deconstructed stuffing”? A crime). And yes, someone will cry when a relative unveils a second cranberry sauce, unasked for and unannounced.

Ready to go to Round One? Let’s get to the board…

ROUND ONE: THE BLUE-CHIP PROSPECTS

Mashed Potatoes — ELITE FLOOR / LIMITED CEILING

Reliable in all conditions. Never flashy, but you’d trust this side to carry the ball 28 times in a snow game. Concerns: “folds easily under gravy blitz”.

Traits:

• Elite absorbency

• Strong with gravy contact

• Consistent texture profile

Concerns:

• Peaks early, rarely surprises

• Can “go gluey” under inexperienced management

Mashed potatoes anchor the plate. Bottom line: you could build a civilization on that starch.

Stuffing — HIGH VARIANCE, INSANE UPSIDE

When stuffing hits, you see God. When stuffing misses, you see jail. Character red flags: “gets weirdly soggy,” “shows up in muffin form for no reason,” “sage dependency”.

Traits:

• Wildly expressive palate

• Incredible versatility (skillet, casserole, inside a bird, inside YOU)

• When seasoned properly, enters “religious experience” tier 

Concerns:

• High volatility

• Texture can swing from “cloud of bread heaven” to “sand simulation” with no warning

Stuffing doesn’t play the game. Stuffing is the game.

Mac & Cheese — FUTURE HALL OF FAMER (IF ALLOWED AT THE TABLE)

Dominates every level of competition. The scouts who say it “isn’t traditional” are cowards.

 Traits:

• High-impact comfort

• Peak stability under stress

• Cheddar-forward leadership 

Concerns:

• Can be sabotaged by overconfidence (breadcrumb crust that cuts like shale)

Could be a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. A plate-lifter. A unifier.

ROUND TWO: THE WILD CARDS

Green Bean Casserole — BOOM OR BUST

A league favorite, but high-risk/high-reward gunslinger. Thrilling when it works… reckless when it doesn’t.

Traits:

• High umami

• Complex mouthfeel

• Fried onion ceiling potential is limitless 

Concerns:

• Can collapse under its own ambition (sog city)

GBC is not trying to be liked. It’s trying to be iconic.

Cranberry Sauce — SPECIAL TEAMS LEGEND

Situational. Unpredictable. Occasionally game-breaking. One burst of bright acid and suddenly the whole plate opens up.

Traits:

• Balances the plate’s emotional arc

• Cuts through heavy starch with bright acidity

• Secretly the smart kid in the back of the class 

Concerns:

• Half the room hates it

• The other half dreams of it

Cranberry sauce is a trick play—you introduce it to keep the defense honest.

Gravy — THE SYSTEM PLAYER

Gravy is technically not a side. It is a performance-enhancing fluid.

Traits:

• Enhances all others

• Boosts morale

• Smooths over emotional damage in the family system 

Concerns:

• Cannot stand on its own

• Vulnerable to lump clusters

Gravy is the duct tape of Thanksgiving: invisible when it’s good, catastrophic when it fails.

ROUND THREE: THE SLEEPERS

Sweet Potatoes — FILM ROOM GUY

Coaches love the fundamentals. Quietly explosive with marshmallow support.

 Traits:

• High charisma

• Versatile (roasted, mashed, candied, marshmallowed)

• Underrated sweet-savory hybridization 

Concerns:

• Over-sugaring renders them into “dessert cosplaying as a side”

Extremely coachable. High fan approval.

Dinner Rolls — LOCKER ROOM GLUE GUY

Does the dirty work. Holds everything together. Elite chemistry with butter.

Traits:

• Elite handfeel

• Natural pairing with butter

• Supports other dishes like a veteran mentor

Concerns:

• Can disappear early due to poor serving strategy

Dinner rolls aren’t flashy, but they’re essential. The team literally falls apart without them.

Brussels Sprouts — SCHEME-DEPENDENT GUY

Brussels sprouts have a rough reputation since nobody knew how to cook them until 2016.

Traits:

• When roasted right: transcendent

• Excellent caramelization

• Uses bacon the way God intended 

Concerns:

• Can stink up the locker room

• Burns out fast under mismanagement

A high-ceiling pick. Needs a good coach (who knows how to roast).

UDFA SIGNINGS: DISHES TO PASS

• Cornbread: Lives in the shadow of dinner rolls but brings energy

• Relish Plate: Nobody knows who brought it. It’s just there.

• Coleslaw: Not in season but refuses to sit out

• Weird Cousin’s “Healthy Option”: Practice squad

THE POST-DRAFT GRADES:WAY-TOO-EARLY ANALYSIS

• Stuffing going early was expected.

• Mac & Cheese falling to the late first round is criminal

• Cranberry Sauce continues to divide scouts

• Green Bean Casserole interviews well but has troubling tape (remains the drafts greatest existential question)

• Dinner Rolls in the third round? Steal of the century.

Overall, this year’s side class: strong, resilient, deeply emotional.

THE THANKSGIVING PLAYOFF PICTURE

AFC (Savory Conference) Finalists:

• Stuffing

• Mashed Potatoes

NFC (Sweet Conference) Finalists:

• Sweet Potatoes

• Cranberry Sauce

Conference Champions:

• AFC: Stuffing (no contest)

• NFC: Cranberry Sauce (won on a trick play)

COMMITTEE CLARIFICATION:
Mac & Cheese was technically eliminated early because no one could agree whether it belonged in Savory, Sweet, or its own third metaphysical conference.
After a late-night emergency session, the league granted Mac & Cheese a Wild Card of National Importance, citing “crowd response”. The league regrets nothing.

Super Bowl of the Plate:
Stuffing vs. Mac & Cheese

Two titans. Two traditions. One nation, under carbs.
America wins either way.

COMMISSIONER’S CLOSING REMARKS

Remember: the only analytics that matter at Thanksgiving are emotional. Draft with your heart. Eat with your hands. Forgive with your soul. Happy Holidays.

And never, ever trade up for side salad.

#ThanksgivingCombine #StarchAnalytics #AppliedComfortFoodSpiral #GastronomicDraftDept #TheologyOfLeftovers #OverthinkOrDie